Our First Love.

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I was inspired to write this after hearing the story of a man who had realized that he had spent a majority of his marriage still secretly pining for his first love. While he loved and was very much “in love” with … Continue reading

Relationships & Rejection

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about love, and how love can be both beautiful and illusory all at the same time. One of the qualities that makes the experience of love so beautiful, is that it lifts the veil … Continue reading

Love vs. Lust

ImageLove can sometimes be confusing. It’s confusing because it forces us to feel rather than to think, and we live in a society that conditions us to think rather than to feel. To the rational mind, feelings are perceived as confusing as it struggles to understand and fully define them. But the thing is, feelings are not logical they are emotional. Therefore, they can only be felt and understood through the heart and not the mind. So the notion of love, in particular, can be particularly confusing because it carries so much emotion that it can literally allow us to “lose our minds” because our minds can not understand it. It’s as if our minds simply give up, and allow emotion to temporarily take over. But is this really and truly love? Is true love designed in such a way that it not only allows us to lose our minds but ourselves as well, sending us into a euphoric high that temporarily makes us come alive and perceive another person as “perfect”? Is this love or lust? In the past I had thought that I had found true love multiple times, and every single time that “love” failed to last. I eventually began to question my own idea of love and whether or not that idea was an accurate depiction of true love. Does true love always feel like a passionate connection that sends butterflies swirling throughout your stomach and your mind on a scavenger hunt questioning whether or not he is the one and whether or not he will text you back if it has been more than a couple of hours? Is love really supposed to feel like a push-pull relationship between two extremes that makes your emotions swing back and forth like a pendulum? Is this love or is this lust? From my own experience, as well as that of others, I have come to realize that true love doesn’t express itself as I have previously stated. True love isn’t the loud and in-your-face sort of love that almost always grabs your attention, rather it is quite the opposite. True love is the quite and consistent kind that makes you feel safe, secure, and comfortable to reveal all that you are. True love steadily grows over time, it isn’t instant and it isn’t elusive. It is easy to overlook because it is simply so easy. There are no games and it honestly doesn’t feel like much of a challenge, therefore it is “easy” to take for granted. As humans, we are almost programmed to seek problems to solve and so we consider anything that is effortless as less than ideal. However, if you honestly asked yourself whether or not you wanted to spend the rest of your life trying to “fix” or “fit” someone else into your own expectations, I bet you would consider otherwise. I mean honestly, are you friends with people who you want to fix or who consistently make your life difficult? No, you are friends with people because you share a mutual understanding and affection for one another, because you feel comfortable being yourself with them, and because your relationship comes easy to you both. Friendship just feels natural. So just like friendship, true love feels natural, it comes easy and it accepts you as you are. Lust however, will always feel like a challenge and will always challenge you. Lust and infatuation embrace nearly every negative emotion there is; jealousy, obsession, depression, insecurity ect. Lust leaves you questioning where your relationship stands. It leaves you in a constant state of insecurity that almost always makes you appear crazy, and can you help it? No, because you’re in a relationship with someone who isn’t even “in a relationship” with you. True love is unconditional, the kind that accepts you as you are and never attempts to make you someone that you aren’t. It’s secure, it’s safe, it’s comfortable, it’s easy, it’s balanced, it’s accepting, it’s always loving and it’s always there. That is love, true love and unconditional love. Compared to it, everything else is secondary.

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Living In Alignment With Love.

I have found that there are two emotions in which all others stem from, love or fear. Love cannot exist in the presence of fear, and fear cannot withstand the power of love. As human beings, all of our actions flow from either a state of love or a state of fear. We are given the free will to choose whichever in which we prefer in the present. So I suggest you choose wisely. Love or fear? Or as Shakespeare once said “to be, or not to be”.

Many of you are probably scratching your heads in speculation, wondering how everything can be contributed to either two states. So I ask you, when you reach for that pint of ice cream after another exhausting day, are you doing so out of love for yourself or fear? More than likely if you considered the future stipulation of your present satisfaction, you would agree that it isn’t very self loving to pound down a pint of ice cream. So you might consider questioning why it is that you seek the comfort of something sweet from outside of yourself. What is it that you are attempting to avoid or address in the first place? If you do so, you will almost always find that the food you are feeding yourself is merely a means to fulfill an empty end. Food is the most commonly abused anti-anxiety drug, and exercise is the most successful and underutilized antidepressant. If you were truly choosing to come from a place of love, you would start by loving yourself and not through fleeting external gratification.

Now let’s take a look at relationships, how often do you find yourself frustrated or angry over someone else’s actions? That certain someone could be your mother, your best friend or your boyfriend. It’s all relative. Have you ever questioned what exactly was the source of your frustration? Unfortunately, the other person is the incorrect answer. Another’s persons actions are never a reflection of you, only how you choose to respond to their actions is. So why do we often choose to respond with anger and frustration when things don’t go our way? Because we are seeking to control the actions of another in the first place! We cannot control anyones actions but our own, so why live our lives in the illusionment that we can?

Furthermore, let us look at the world around us. The current political structure, the world of medicine, the justice system and the like. Why is it that a preferred political party and president is in control of a large portion of our lives? Why is it that the field of medicine with all of it’s advancements has failed to create a miracle drug to cure cancer, yet a handful of men were able to revolutionize the world with todays technology? Why is that another human being has authority over what legislation is passed that directly dictates our personal power? Why is that a human being is sentenced to death by another human being for an injustice they caused? What is justice anyway, and who determines the good from the bad?

All of these questions evoke the same answer, and the answer seems to always stem from fear. You craved that pint of ice cream to temporarily escape the feeling of sadness, which is almost always due to a fear of rejection. Rejection from others or rejection from yourself, you pick your poison whether you are consciously aware of it or not.

Oh and the interpersonal power struggles at play in all of relationships are a product of fear as well. Whether you are afraid over your lack of control, or again afraid of disapproval. In case you have failed to notice, our world is an external web of interpersonal power struggles. People seek to control one another because they fail to control the only person they can, themselves.

The field of medicine has failed to produce a miracle drug, because by doing so millions of doctors would lose control over their substantial paycheck. So doctors and various other professionals cling to their fear of potentially loosing the power of their paycheck. Our self-destructive species, seeks to create problems in order for them to be solved. For the doctor, the politician, the activist and the like, wouldn’t have occupations if they were to solve all of the worlds problems. So in order to assure the success of their profession, they avoid the problems and stick to unsatisfying solutions to shelter the original problem. Have you ever wondered why it is that while we have discovered immense amounts of medications to alleviate conditions, we have also discovered even more previously unknown and unrecorded conditions.

In addition, we are able to unwittingly point a finger at a killer and condemn him by sentencing him to death, without acknowledging that we are theoretically performing the same action that placed him in this position in the first place. The killers initial fear of another coerced him into killing someone, and our fear of the killer potentially killing someone else compels us to kill him. What do you think was the meaning behind Ghandi’s infamous statement, “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”. Fear for fear, has made us all fearful. The government seeks to control the people because of their fear that the people will rip one another to shreds if God forbid we lacked a legal system of limitations and a hierarchy of authority to implement those rules. As if human beings who are at the top of the food chain, and cognitive chain as well, are incapable of living in peace with one another. Because bears, lions and other “threatening” animals rip each other to shreds and fail to live in harmony. False, all animals would suffer from extinction if that were the case. Yet, the human animal who is ranked the most influential of all has been unable to live in harmony with its own species for hundreds of centuries. That doesn’t make much sense to me.

You see, we live in a world of relativity and thanks to Einstein we are able to be aware of this. This relative reality is created by polarities, in order to allow us to experience ourselves. When I say ourselves, I am not implying our physical selves necessarily, for the physical is impermanent. Rather, I am stating ourselves in a spiritual sense. If you believe in God then you understand the notion of spirit, if you don’t than please offer me at least a rational explanation as to why. I say rational, because the most rational thing to do is to believe in God. Why you might wonder? Because there is much in life that is unseen yet we don’t doubt the existence of it. For instance, a thought isn’t tangible, yet we all experience them everyday. Additionally, I have never been to China nor seen my physical heart, yet I don’t doubt the existence of either. Just because we can’t physically see something, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Much of the knowledge we gain in school we can’t even comprehend until we experience it in our everyday lives. God works the same way. Without experiencing the joy and wonder of God, you only know of him conceptually. You must experience his unconditional love in order to know him empirically. God will not seek you unless asked, and you can’t evoke the experience of Him if don’t allow it due to skepticism. God is unconditional love, that is His essence. That is also our own essence, for He made us in the perfect image of Himself. Again, this essence cannot be understood conceptually rather emotionally through our experience. God has given us free-will to choose our lives, because he unconditionally loves each and every one of us. Unconditional love is never forceful for that reason we are given free will. With our free-will we can either align our lives with love or live them in fear. Since God is unconditional love, fear is an illusion, because fear is the opposite of love. Love is the only absolute truth in this reality of relativity. When we choose to align ourselves with love we experience heaven on earth, when we choose to align ourselves with fear we live in hell, metaphorically speaking. Hell is not a place, rather a state of self-enslavement due to fear. Self-enslavement because our “selves” are essentially love, and we allow fear to imprison our essence which is love. So as you can see, we are responsible for our lives and our overall state of being. Which will you choose, love or fear? The question remains, to be or not to be?

All The Single Ladies.

To every girl who complains about being single…

Being single isn’t a bad thing, it’s actually an extremely intelligent decision to make at this point in our lives and here is why:

1)   At this stage in our lives we are given the time and resources to figure out who we are and who we want to be. Being in a relationship hinders this process because if you’re not trying to be whoever your partner wants you to be, you are trying to figure out who they are. Thus stunting your growth and any potential of knowing yourself before you are married with kids working a fulltime job.

2) Many people are in relationships because they don’t enjoy being alone. As a result they stay in unhealthy relationships or seek out a relationship as a means to fulfillment. You can’t use other people as an escape from yourself. You can’t truly love someone unless you love yourself first. You’re the only person that is responsible for your happiness, and the sooner you realize this the better off you’ll be.

3) Being single is fun, embrace it. When you’re single you aren’t obligated to worry about anyone else but yourself. This is the time to be selfish. Besides, you’re allowed to freely date multiple people at a time and figure out what you really want in a partner. So have fun with it and enjoy the opportunity to discover your preferences.

4) Finally, not “everyone” is in a relationship. You look at a few people and label them as “everyone”. Stop comparing your love story to someone else’s, they are in a relationship for a reason either to learn from them or because they’re incapable of being alone. So stop saying that you are going to be single forever because by saying so you are more than likely to turn that into the truth.

Ladies, take this time to figure out who you are and what makes you happy without being influenced by someone who you have been dating for years and trying to be whoever they want you to be. At this point in our lives we are all trying to figure out who we are and it’s hard to do that when you’re focusing on figuring someone else out first.

Chance.

Earlier I got to thinking about relationships, and all of the factors that contribute to the formation of a romantic relationship between two people. There must be a certain level of consistency in order for two people to create a relationship. Amongst other things the duo must find one another compatible both by sharing common interests and a mutual attraction. But as if those few factors aren’t enough, they must both be looking for the same thing in a relationship. This is the tricky part, while one might be ready for a relationship the other might not be. While one is in one place in their lives, the other could be in another. There are many ingredients that contribute to a relationship recipe. And many of us can’t control whether or not we have all of the ingredients required, no matter how badly you wish to cook.

At the end of the day, we all need to appreciate each day at a time. Don’t worry about finding “the one,” focus on finding yourself first. Because I can tell you now, you will never be able to truly appreciate Mr. Right if you don’t appreciate yourself first. And you will never be able to recognize “the one” without first finding the one within yourself. Without knowing who you are, you will never be able to discern your hearts desires. When you stop searching for something you give it the opportunity to find you, and when they do, you’re going to want to have all of the ingredients.

A Risk to Love.

Why is it that when our hearts finally find someone that we can trust, our heads try to find a reason why we can’t? It’s the classic dilemma of who to follow, our hearts or our heads? The struggle that leaves us wondering whether or not we can even trust ourselves. I have found that all of our actions, intentions and thoughts either come from a place of love or are the product of fear. But it is so easy to forget this when we are busy being carried away with our wandering minds that attempt to protect us by hiding our true desires behind a veil of fear.

I recently realized this when I found myself in a wonderful relationship and sometimes caught myself saying it was too good to be true. He was too good to be true. I didn’t know men like him even existed until I met him. And here he was, the perfect person for me. Not only was he everything I had always wanted, a wonderful assortment of all of the qualities I had always asked for in another, he was what I needed. He walked into my life at the right moment, once I was finally ready, as if fate had come and swept me off my feet. And as I allowed myself to let go for the first time in my life, for the first time I couldn’t find a reason to doubt the relationship I was in. Until I became aware of this at least, the lack of doubt. And as I did, at the first slight sign of imperfection, my mind was left leaping for a reason to feel insecure. For several days I let it wander. I began to over think everything he said and didn’t say.

Until finally, after allowing myself to wallow in a cloud of doubt for long enough, I decided it was time to have a talking with myself. To stop running away with every dissatisfying thought that crossed my mind, and to use my own inner voice to figure out what the real problem was. Turns out the real problem wasn’t him at all, it was me. I was afraid. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of becoming so emotionally invested in someone and than getting hurt again. I was afraid it was too good to be true. When I realized that my fears were not only distorting my thoughts but crippling my relationship, I decided I had a choice. I could either feed my fears and walk away before I had the chance to become even more vulnerable, or I could face my fears and take the risk of love. Only hoping it would work out and it wasn’t too good to be true.

The most rational choice would be to run, because we can rationalize everything. Even why the perfect person for us isn’t perfect for us. But all rationality has ever allowed me to do is hide from the truth. The truth that yes I am very afraid of being hurt, much like everyone else, but what is being alive without taking risks? It is nothing at all, it is merely living. And I don’t just want to live, I want to feel alive. So sometimes in life we are faced with a choice, to love and be loved or to not love at all, and upon deciding I ask us all to take a chance for love. Because the only thing truly worth living for is love after all.

LOVE!

Whether you had a valentine or not love is never outside or yourself. In order to have love you have to be loveable. So start showing yourself some compassion and you’ll be more inclined to show others as well. Before you know it the happiness exuding from your own self love will allow you to be loved by those that you desire. XOXO