I’ve been thinking a lot lately about love, and how love can be both beautiful and illusory all at the same time. One of the qualities that makes the experience of love so beautiful, is that it lifts the veil of separation and allows us to see beyond another person’s imperfections in order to see their soul’s perfection. This, the ability to see an imperfect person perfectly, is truly what makes love so divine. However, the divinity of love can quickly be lost when we become attached to an idolized image of another that undermines our own sense of self-worth. When this happens, the very foundation of love can easily become cracked the second that the object of our love fails to live up to the pedestal that we have naively placed them upon. This is typically around the time that the “honeymoon phase” quickly fizzles to an end. Shortly after, resentment begins to set in when our partner and the relationship no longer live up to our expectations. At this time, two people are required to face the true test of their love in order to acknowledge whether or not their love is limited by the conditions that they have created. The survival of the relationship is dependent upon their equal and unconditional love for one another. Any love that falls short of equal and unconditional love, will leave either one or both parties in a state of anger and depression the longer that they attempt to rebuild their lost love from it’s faulty foundation. In some instances, one person’s love surpasses the love of the other and this person is left in an insufferable state of rejection as they attempt to salvage something that is no longer there. All of their attempts to hold on to the relationship and their partner inevitably lead to their partner’s rejection and denial of love.
Rejection is a hard pill to swallow, human beings are literally wired to seek connection and therefore acceptance. When connection and acceptance are denied, it can take a serious toll on our physical, mental and emotional well-being. When we deeply connect with another person through mutual love and affection and then that connection suddenly ends, it can be a very traumatic experience. Any form of rejection takes a stab at a person’s pride and their ego, but relationship rejection can feel like a dagger to the heart. In order to comprehend the loss of the connection and the reasons for rejection, we typically begin to question our own self-worth and why we weren’t worthy of our beloved’s love. However, in doing so we place the other person’s opinion of us over our own. In other words, we allow them to control how we see ourselves. We give all of our personal power to the other person when we unconsciously believe that because they were the ones to withhold love then we must be the ones who aren’t worthy of love. When we believe this, we unknowingly place them in a position of power. We begin to hold them in a higher regard than we hold ourselves.
In an attempt to cope with the loss of the relationship and the feelings of rejection, it’s easy to reflect on the relationship and remember all of the good and none of the bad. Again, our minds our wired to work this way. In order to ensure self-preservation and emotional resilience are minds are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Our minds apply the same formula to our memories, conveniently selecting those which are pleasurable and avoiding those which are painful. This is all well and dandy until we begin to reconsider a relationship which should otherwise stay in the place in which it was left: the past.
We have all experienced unrequited love and rejection at some point in our lives. However, when you are experiencing the rejection that follows unrequited love it is important for you to acknowledge that when a person denies or withholds their love from you, it actually has nothing to do with you. I repeat: It has nothing to do with you! The truth is, when someone doesn’t like something about you it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. There is nothing wrong with you, they just weren’t right for you. There is simply something about them that isn’t compatible with something about you. We all have a variety of qualities that we each consider attractive and that we are attracted to. We aren’t all attracted to the same things or the same people. Could you imagine what the world would be like if we were? I can’t. So while you and Sally may both love adventurous men, you may also love men who are serious and Sally may prefer someone who is silly. You see what I’m saying? Eventually you’ll find someone whose pieces fit your puzzle. Until then, don’t hold on to a person from your past and paint a picture of them that is perfect. This is an illusion. Holding onto an idealized version of the past, will only prevent you from appreciating the people who are a part of your present. The perfect person for you won’t be found in the past, they will only be found in the present.