A Risk to Love.

Why is it that when our hearts finally find someone that we can trust, our heads try to find a reason why we can’t? It’s the classic dilemma of who to follow, our hearts or our heads? The struggle that leaves us wondering whether or not we can even trust ourselves. I have found that all of our actions, intentions and thoughts either come from a place of love or are the product of fear. But it is so easy to forget this when we are busy being carried away with our wandering minds that attempt to protect us by hiding our true desires behind a veil of fear.

I recently realized this when I found myself in a wonderful relationship and sometimes caught myself saying it was too good to be true. He was too good to be true. I didn’t know men like him even existed until I met him. And here he was, the perfect person for me. Not only was he everything I had always wanted, a wonderful assortment of all of the qualities I had always asked for in another, he was what I needed. He walked into my life at the right moment, once I was finally ready, as if fate had come and swept me off my feet. And as I allowed myself to let go for the first time in my life, for the first time I couldn’t find a reason to doubt the relationship I was in. Until I became aware of this at least, the lack of doubt. And as I did, at the first slight sign of imperfection, my mind was left leaping for a reason to feel insecure. For several days I let it wander. I began to over think everything he said and didn’t say.

Until finally, after allowing myself to wallow in a cloud of doubt for long enough, I decided it was time to have a talking with myself. To stop running away with every dissatisfying thought that crossed my mind, and to use my own inner voice to figure out what the real problem was. Turns out the real problem wasn’t him at all, it was me. I was afraid. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of becoming so emotionally invested in someone and than getting hurt again. I was afraid it was too good to be true. When I realized that my fears were not only distorting my thoughts but crippling my relationship, I decided I had a choice. I could either feed my fears and walk away before I had the chance to become even more vulnerable, or I could face my fears and take the risk of love. Only hoping it would work out and it wasn’t too good to be true.

The most rational choice would be to run, because we can rationalize everything. Even why the perfect person for us isn’t perfect for us. But all rationality has ever allowed me to do is hide from the truth. The truth that yes I am very afraid of being hurt, much like everyone else, but what is being alive without taking risks? It is nothing at all, it is merely living. And I don’t just want to live, I want to feel alive. So sometimes in life we are faced with a choice, to love and be loved or to not love at all, and upon deciding I ask us all to take a chance for love. Because the only thing truly worth living for is love after all.

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