Discern Self-Destruction.

I have recently been asked a multitude of times how I got so thin and/or how I stay so thin. My answer is always the same, because I love myself. And yes, you are probably rolling your eyes right now and thinking what a conceited statement to say. I feel the exact same way every time I verbalize that sentence. As if in society today it is frowned upon to appreciate yourself and your body, let alone take care of it for that sole reason. In fact, I have to mentally correct myself whenever I hesitate to tell people exactly why I am so thin. I have to remind myself that it is okay to love yourself despite the outrageous number of people who don’t. On the other hand, it is NOT okay to love yourself more than other people and therefore lack any form of humility.

Anyways, after way too many years of hating myself and getting absolutely nothing in return…I decided it was time to take a different approach to things. That’s when I had a revelation that my eating habits were entirely unhealthy and completely controlled by my emotions or lack-thereof. Therefore any sense of logic was thrown out the window. In an attempt to alter my perception when it came to my eating habits, I asked myself whether or not I was really hungry every time I went to grab anything to eat. In return I realized that 75% of the time I was not at all. So during the typical three-quarters of hindsight, I went on to ask myself exactly why I felt the compulsion to eat. I sought after which ever void I was attempting to fill within the overall picture of my life in the form of instant gratification.

It was then that I saw exactly what I was doing, other than being totally self destructive. I realized that I ate my emotions instead of confronting them. And then I went on to acknowledge that my self destruction was not only limited to my eating habits. By not allowing myself to simply feel my emotions and body’s reaction to certain circumstances, I built up an emotional resistance that left me as one bitter being. In time I became numb and lost all distinction between right and wrong. With no moral compass, I eventually began to forget all feeling and knowledge of myself.

I began to focus on all of the wrong which left me without a single purpose. With a lack of purpose, I essentially lacked a life.

So in an attempt to regain myself and my self control, I began to tear down all of the walls I had built with resentment through out the years. I began to forgive others for the pain they had inflicted on me and I began to forgive myself.

This process of forgiving both parties allowed me to feel again.

By simply allowing yourself to feel and acknowledge the presence of pain, the pain surpasses. So allow yourself to feel. Feel your body during everything that you do, does it feel right? Focus only on what feels right.

When we allow ourselves to feel our emotions in the exchange of building up a resistance to them, the emotions surpass and no longer inflict upon us. But when we fail to confront them we face self-destruction in the form of addiction and abuse.

“This being human is a guest house. Every morning is a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all. Treat each guest honorably. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”

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